The one benefit of being the child of a hoarder is that your mother will often bring over little gems like this one pictured at the left. Note my improper use of "your" not once, but twice! Ah!
I got my braces off two weeks before I started high school. In junior high I was the nerdy girl. I got one grade that wasn't an A during my three years at Central Middle School, I received a B in PE. I played the flute in the band, was a member of the 4-H club and I didn't own a pair of Keds. Back in 1985, those were all key traits of a geek. I wanted a fresh start in high school. I quit 4-H, put my flute in the closet and got myself a plaid mini-skirt and some Keds.
I begged my mom and my orthodontist to take my braces off. I never, ever wore my neck-gear or rubber bands and I didn't care if my teeth were straight. I just wanted to start 9th grade with white teeth, not silver. My mom finally relented. I'm sure she was angry and kept thinking of all the time and money we spent at the orthodontist. I never did put the braces back on and I don't regret it. My teeth are not perfect, but they are relatively straight. Besides perfection is overrated.
My mom was also not happy about my giving up the flute, but she relented because at least I was still taking piano lessons. Eventually though, I gave up the piano too, much to my mother's dismay. She was a single mom raising two teenage daughters and I know she must have sacrificed to buy that piano and pay for the lessons for me and my sister. Neither one of us stuck with it for more than three years.
I don't long to play the flute, but to this day I wish my mom had forced me to stick with the piano. I can still read music and play some simple songs, but I would love to be able to really play. I also wish she had not let me quit the private French lessons I actually really enjoyed. I don't even remember why I wanted to quit, probably so I could spend more time cruising the mall with my friends. In college I had the opportunity to study in France for one month. My mother did everything short of begging me to go. She knew I would love it, and what was one month? But I was terrified. I missed out because I was too scared to spend one little month in a foreign country by myself.
My nine year old daughters have been in all kinds of activities over the years. I've tried to expose them to a variety of things and I have never forced them to stick with any of them. They both were in ballet from the time they were three years old. Just last year, Macy started to complain when it was time to leave. When I picked them up from class, she was visibly upset but wouldn't tell me why. One day all the girls were let out of class except for my two. After a few minutes, the teacher opened the door, barely looked at me and shut it right behind them as they left. Macy started crying. The teacher was clearly annoyed and Macy said she had been upset that she wasn't picking up the dance quick enough and made both of them go over it a few more times after class. That was the end of the ballet. The look of relief on my daughter's face when I told her she didn't have to go back made me confident in my decision. Neither one of them ever really loved it, but it was still a little difficult for me to let it go, especially since I has just paid the non-refundable recital and costume fee (times two!).
My daughter Avery plays in a competitive club soccer league. When she first tried out, Macy wanted to try out too since lots of their friends were also playing. I didn't discourage her, but I had a feeling it wasn't going to be her thing. Macy is a very happy AYSO player, but toward the end of the season there is quite a bit of whining about going to practice. When I explained to her that practice for club soccer is two times a week and I would not (under any circumstances OMG!) listen to any protests about it, she decided on her own that she would stick with AYSO. Avery on the other hand, puts her shin guards and cleats on without any protest and will even skip birthday parties to play soccer.
Two years ago I signed up both Macy and Avery for a local girls chorus. They both enjoyed it and I loved the whole "girl power" philosophy of the program as well as the introduction to music theory it provided. It was apparent after a few concerts though that singing really wasn't Avery's passion. Macy would smile through her whole performance and I could hear her voice. Avery on the other hand, spent the entire concert with a look of boredom and sort of mouthed the words to the songs. She was just going through the motions. So when it was time to sign up again the next year, I only signed up Macy.
I was a little taken aback when Macy asked if she could quit chorus too. I brushed her off, but she kept asking. I knew she enjoyed it and she is a good singer. I know I am not raising the next Celine Dion, but Macy is a decent singer and she loves music. After I dug a little deeper with her I discovered that she was nervous about attending chorus without her sister. She likes the other girls in chorus, but none of them are her good buddies. Macy does not like to be alone and the thought of being "alone" at chorus made her visibly anxious. We talked through it and she stuck it out and did really well.
So here we are again one year later and girls chorus rehearsal has started up again. Again, Macy is asking to quit. She has been more persistent than last year and really wants to give it up. Again, she claims she doesn't like being there "by herself." She likes singing and performing, but the rehearsals make her nervous. I am very reluctant to allow her to give it up. She really is a good singer and I love watching her. I also happen to believe that forcing kids (and adults for that matter) into situations that make them uncomfortable causes them to learn and grow.
Unlike with ballet, where my gut told me it was time to quit, I am really not sure what to do on this one. I don't want to force her into something that causes her anxiety every single Tuesday. But I also don't want her to look back in a few years and wish she had stuck with it. Is it me and my baggage that wants her to stick with it?? I so wish my mom had packed my bag for me and forced to on to that airplane to France all those years ago. How do you know when it's time to take the braces off and they are ready to make these kinds of decisions for themselves.
No one ever said parenting was easy.
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4 comments:
This is a hard one. I guess...I'd let her quit. Mostly because she's been saying it for a long time.
I was a quitter too. The one I wish I hadn't quit was piano which I played for nine years before giving up. Because it wasn't cool? Or something.
At the same time? It may not be her thing, you know?
Oh man, I am not sure what I would do here...Could you ask her to go for another month and see if she starts to like it or dread it less? I wish I thought there was a clear cut answer too.
I enrolled Fi in dance classes last spring, but took her out after just one month of the three I'd paid for. They had the girls shaking their hips all suggestively and the moms were TOTAL dance moms, if you know what I mean. We're not into that, but I did feel bad having her quit something so young.
Best of luck figuring this one out! xo
Hmm...I don't have kids so I'll offer my grain of salt up front. :) It sounds like she's telling you what the problem is -- she feels alone in the rehearsals. So the problem isn't really that she doesn't want to be part of the group, it's that she doesn't want to be ALONE in the group. And it sounds like it might be a pervasive problem for her...and I can be shy myself, so I get it.
What I would do (with the children I don't have) is sit down with her and see if she agrees that the problem is that she doesn't want to be alone, and her suggestion for solving it is to quit the group. But that quitting the group also has a big cost -- she doesn't get to keep singing and performing. So maybe there's ANOTHER solution that could solve her being alone, without costing her the opportunity to sing and perform. I would have an idea or two in mind when I started the conversation (like host a small party or themed movie night for the group, or ask to organize a group scrapbook with photos and bio info about each girl, or make a goal to learn something new about two people each practice), but I would also let her take the lead. It helps her learn problem-solving skills, but she might also have some really creative ideas once she gets going!
Again, no kids, know I should give child-rearing advice humbly and infrequently, but I love your blog and really think your daughter might be able to come up with a way to get the best of both worlds. Or at least to learn how to really think through quitting to make sure it's the right time.
You totally nailed it ... parenting is NOT easy.
I have absolutely no advice because advice is like assholes. Everybody has one... sometimes two.
I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. It sounds like she really does love choir - but just doesn't have the energy to make it through the practices 'alone'. I get it. And it sounds like you do too...
As much as you don't want her to quit, she's at the age where she can make the 'right' decision for herself because she understands some of the consequences... despite not knowing what regret is really about.
The question really begs, what's so wrong if she does decide to quit ... but want to re-join in a few years? Will she have that option?
Whatever you decide, I think you all have gone into this decision with open eyes and a good understanding of what's at stake!
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