I have read it, and reread it several times and I've read a big chunk of the approximately 1,000+ comments. Clearly Ms. Chua's take on parenting struck a nerve with many. If you have the patience to sort through the noise in the comments, there are some really compelling arguments both in support of Ms. Chua's philosophy and others questioning her reasoning.
Here are a few comments I found interesting...
We live in an upper middle class neighborhood full of over-achievers and I would describe many parents at my children's school as similar to Ms. Chua, some of them Asian and some of them not. I often struggle with the pull of trying to push my kids to keep up with their peers while still letting them just enjoy being children and having playdates. You will never hear me berate my kids for bringing home an A- or skipping dinner to learn a piano piece. Yet, I often leave my daughter's classrooms in a panic after seeing how far ahead some of their classmates are in math or even with their handwriting.
I grew up in a typical American household, with a single mother. There were certainly rules and I knew the value of a good education. I took piano lessons, played the flute, played soccer, took cooking lessons and had an active social life. My mom was actively involved in my school. Once I got to high school I begged my mom to let me quit piano lessons (I had already given up the flute in junior high). Of course, my mom tried her best to persuade me to stick with it, but she eventually caved and I quit. To this day I wish she had forced me to stick with it.
My husband grew up in a household much more similar to the typical Chinese Mothers Ms. Chua refers to in her article. His mother spent hours working with him on math drills and handwriting practice. I am quite certain that I had a lot more freedom as a teenager than my husband did. He was valedictorian of his high school class. I was... well, not valedictorian. (Interesting side note: my mom was also valedictorian of her high school class).
My husband and I often struggle in our own home with our differing parenting styles. I think he is sometimes too strict and he thinks I am too soft. He gets easily frustrated if the girls are struggling with their math homework and will start writing out practice sheets with extra problems for them to work on when their done. Whereas I will sit with them, play cheerleader, try to boost their confidence and let them know I believe they can do it.
Ms Chua writes:
Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.
Interesting. I've always thought that it's just not possible for every child to achieve straight As and success in life is not always based on your elementary school grades. My husband would argue that yes, all kids can achieve straight As (including ours!!) if you simply let them know that you will accept nothing less and with a lot of hard work, they can achieve it.
Like most of these things, I believe the answer lies somewhere in the middle.
It all boils down to your definition of success. If getting into Harvard and playing piano at Carnegie Hall is it for you, you certainly can't argue with Chinese mothering techniques. I would be interested to hear Ms. Chua's daughters chime in on the discussion and see what happens to them in the years ahead. What bugs me most about Ms. Chua's article is her smug tone and thought that hers is the only definition of what it means to raise successful children.
How do you encourage your children to succeed without making them feel like anything less than perfection means they are lazy? Do American mothers have something to learn from Chinese mothers? What do you think is the cost of this kind of parenting? Are American parents too easy on their children or are their expectations too low? I'm curious, what are your thoughts?
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I just read this article this morning when one of my friends posted the link on FB and I found the whole thing deeply disturbing. My husband and I both grew up in what she calls 'western' homes, and we're both happy, successful adults. I would NEVER consider raising my kids in what she calls the 'chinese' way. WAY too depressing. I'm all for encouraging kids to be kids, playdates and all. And for excelling at school, but I don't think all A's is a necessity, or a possibility even, for all kids.
Wowzas Hard to concisely offer my opinion, since it's constantly changing. After moving overseas and watching (even peripherally) the wickedly diverse and various methods of raising children, I think that us "westerners" have loads to learn about motivation and expectations ...
BUT so do the parents (whether asian or not) who happen to be raising their kids on the chopping block ... with lessons of childhood enjoyment, fun, relaxation, the wonder of spontaneity, etc.
Am featuring you in my weekend roundup post ... will be interested to see what comments you get on this between now and then!!
I didn't read the article yet, just your excerpts. The one thing I would like to chime in about is choice. Would a traditional "you do as I say household" take into consideration what the child wanted? Probably not. I believe childhood should be a magical time, one that we can never get back, so why not enjoy it? There's plenty of time as an adult to buckle down, work hard, and focus on life goals.
Have you seen Black Swan?
@Christy - It's interesting reading through the comments. Several young people who where raised in traditional Chinese homes talked about how the pressure to be number one causes all kinds of problems later in life. I'm a big believer in following your gut instincts and I would have a really hard time calling my child garbage or making berating them for bringing home a B. And I agree, success is not necessarily academic success for all kids.
Even traditional Western parents raise kids who are out there searching for the cure for cancer. I would call that success.
@Naomi - I am so glad you chimed in here! You have seen both sides of this. I really think the answer lies somewhere in the middle. I want my kids to know that hard work always pays off, but I also want them to have a childhood without pressure and where they are free to fail and learn from their failures.
@Denise - You said it... you are only a child once. Adulthood is filled with pressure, childhood should be filled with magic. Finding the balance between letting kids just be kids and teaching them to focus on schoolwork can be hard. I haven't seen Black Swan but I'm dying to.
I teach many of these children in my Introduction to Academic Writing class at a local university. I'm not saying that they aren't smart or hard working, but many of them do not know how to form ideas on their own or think independently. Once they hit college and need to compose papers or deal with nuance, they are lost. Unfortunately, the first time they get a 'B," a 'C,' or a "see me after class," it is as if their world is coming to an end. I think that many of the kids who are raised this way know how to get the answers or memorize information, but when it comes to the harder work of analyzing information and opinions they are lost. This way of raising kids might lead to 'A's in math or physics, but it is not useful in other disciplines.
In my opinion, superiority has nothing to do with this--it's a matter of culture. This is the Asian way and mentality (although I think Ms. Chua has a superiority complex of her own mixed in with all this and just a little bit of CRAZY). Much of what Ms. Chua describes mirrors my own upbringing (albeit w/o the insults--there is no justification for calling your children garbage or losers). Yes, if I came home with an A-, I kid you not, my mother flipped out. But I also knew that she loved me to no end--she would take a bullet for me in a millisecond. The result? Yes, I push my kids to work hard and do well in school. But I also smother them with kisses and hugs and tell them I love them everyday no matter what. I hope that I provide a good balance, much like what you and your hubby probably do by expressing a bit of both philosophies. Or maybe we're just confusing the hell out of our kids, but who's to say one way is better than the other? We do the best we can with what we know as parents. I just hope my kids grow up to be happy, healthy, decent human beings.
Okay, with a little success and achievement thrown in the mix.
What can I say? I can't help it. I'm Asian. It's in my bones.
This article has certainly instigated some interesting discussions at work between asian and western people! I"m British and though my parents did not put this kind of direct pressure on me, they nevertheless did manage to raise me with the notion that I had to succeed (And I did, I've a PhD in molecular Biology). I always felt that I had let them down if I (very rarely) got bad grades, even though they didn't directly state their disappointment. My mum did, and still does tell me when she thinks I need to lose weight (whenever I veer over 120lb!). Thought provokin indeed!
I think that the "do your best" that Ms. Chua dismisses so flippantly can actually be a powerful motivator. As a kid, my dad would sternly say, "No child of mine will ever get a B in math!" Guess what the one subject I would bring home B's in was? It felt so unreasonable that I didn't want to try.
My mom, on the other hand, would respond to my angstful declarations that I was going to get a C, or worse, on an upcoming chemistry or geometry test with a "do your best" approach. She would lower her voice and get very serious, and then say "Sara, it doesn't matter to me what grade you bring home, as long as you can look me in the eye and tell me you've done the very best you're able to do." And, whereas Dad's ultimatums would increase my anxiety, this "do your best" would center me as I thought of all the other things I was capable of doing to prepare for the test. She would deflate the "IT'S TOO HARD!" and let me know that, while the grades were unimportant, she had high expectations for my efforts...which usually led to pretty high grades.
I think it's important to help children learn to prioritize education and schoolwork and to structure at least some of their learning. I do understand that my upbringing led to me to be "only" working on a PhD in psychology (I say the only sarcastically, but I do know that many highly success-driven people would say it seriously). I had my husband read the article last night, and we both agreed that if we were Chinese American, we'd be pretty ticked (although I think it does affect stereotypes of all Asians).
This leaves me to wonder are the girls treated differently than the boys? If the mothers spend their every waking moment making sure the kids are practicing and studying, does this mean once a Chinese girl becomes a mother she no longer has a career? If a girl wants to be a mother some day, do they push her as hard, or would being pushed to succeed no matter the gender aid in her ability later to help her children?
This was fascinating... And a little humorous for me.
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